Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Passwords are more important than ever.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”