Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.