Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Sorted