Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Baking is just science you can eat.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave