Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.