[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”