Roadkill is just a goth zoo
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.