Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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Wikigenius
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”