Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.