Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”

– People who don’t have kids

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

There’s always that one guy

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day