Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.