Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

🎉🥳

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.