Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.