Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?