Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
#Caturday
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short