Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
put ‘er there pardner!
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
This will never not be funny to me.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
😂 amazing answer
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.