I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.
That was close.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Kindergarteners make excellent mask cops — totally rigid, no fear of social awkwardness, and adults are uncomfortable getting confrontational with them.
Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT
Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor
At least my masseuse has my back.