Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Tier 3 meme
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*