Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I hope Alan is OK

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets