robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
A fake ID that makes you younger
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
you’re not fooling anyone
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.