robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
You Might Also Like
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I feel it
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.