robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
No. YOU-buprofen.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!