Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

an airline just for babies.

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.