robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
You Might Also Like
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple