Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

How do you milk an almond?

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

This meeting could have been a cake