robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.