robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Dammit Chief not again
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
