robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Only short people can save us
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl