Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.