Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know