[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.