Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart