robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Split the bill
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
rip to my favourite tweet
He’s cranky this morning
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude