robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Not even remotely sorry.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Just as the prophecy foretold
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.