robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

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Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.


Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.


I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible


Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.


[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly


*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now


My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up


The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…