robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Thank you corporation very cool
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Cndnsd Mlk