@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

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@GayDeceiver

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

@Social_Mime

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@Ty_Schutz

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

@protolalia

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

@JermHimselfish

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

@kieransofar

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

@dxblarssonENG

I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.

@ultrakristian

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.