@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

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@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@JoshontheGo

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.

-submissive’s answering machine.

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

@Cheeseboy22

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

@MarfSalvador

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

@bobvulfov

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

@lukasbattle

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

@Home_Halfway

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…