Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up.
-submissive’s answering machine.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*
Okay how about now
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…