Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

◾️

nice challenge

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.