robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
You Might Also Like
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”