Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.