Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

I’m crying im so happy for them

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Jurassic park gets weird

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not