Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

😂

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours