robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

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How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.


Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference


YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.


[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what


If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her


this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust


whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes


me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]


*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…