robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
iPhone X
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
tell em, edith-anne
#parenting
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try