@OllyiConic

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

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@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@SeanBlazed

The best thing about the Transformers trilogy was the part in the first one when my brother went to go get popcorn and fell down the aisle.

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@TheAndrewNadeau

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

@jake_likes_naps

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

@J0hnnyBlaze

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

@bocxtop

this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust

@seamussaid

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

@theshantilly

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…