Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

wtf management?!

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!

Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can

Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.