Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Google assistant rules

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Customer is always right

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”