Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

every single time

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

He died doing what he loved: being alive

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Ah..makes sense now

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.