Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
catch me on valentine’s day like
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.