Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn

Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan