Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule