Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

idk flipping houses looks really hard

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes