Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
“What movie?” 🤔
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
my dad has had enough
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Happy Star Wars day!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.