@stevevsninjas

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

@pauleggleston

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

@jonnysun

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

@MollyRingwraith

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

@ShellHasDragons

If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science

@blitz2six

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

@caribbeankris

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”