Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.


What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.


grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road


If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’


If it burns when you pee, you need to be eating less firewood.

It’s science


The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.


I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”