Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on