Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.