Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show: