Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

#dnd #ttrpg

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”