Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩