Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn