Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

I feel seen

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch