Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*