Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
