Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

Huge if true.

This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”