Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.