Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

◾️

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.