Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Okay, I’m still confused…

Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

When your best mate counts as a desk too

lmfao come on

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.