Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Harsh but fair
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house