Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

Me trying to walk in a dream

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?