Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear