Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

drew a comic about my origin story

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

They did not think through this water fountain

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

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