Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.