Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

ㅤ

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies