ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
When your diet is finally over.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“our sushi is very fresh”
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.