Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

@funTweeters

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

The opposite of goth is stopth.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.