Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

termite twitter scares me

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.