Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

What if the weather talks about us?

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.