Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

ㅤ

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Had an epiphany today.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Bruh 😂

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage