Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on