Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.