Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.