[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
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WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.